I have been working on writing something for two weeks. I can’t. I feel like a fraud sometimes when I try to get to positive. Truth is I really do not feel positive today.
The new year means, for many, is a time of resolutions- typically about some fad weight loss diet dressed up as healthier lifestyles. I have had a lot of weight loss inspired resolutions that only lead me down the rabbit hole in the past. I know I cannot go on a diet. But, lately, I have been salivating at the idea. Just a little diet. Like, a two week cleanse. Just a few pounds. That’s all. Then I’ll stop. I sound like an addict trying to justify using on the weekends.
I can play the tape forward. That’s what I would tell a client to do.
I go on a diet. I lose this minuscule amount of weight that I think will make me feel “better.” Except- how do I know I lost it and kept it off? I’ll buy a scale. I begin by using it once every couple of days. Then it’s every morning. The number stopped changing and I know I said I’d stop after these couple of pounds but maybe just a couple more. I’ll cut some things out of my diet. Lose a few more pounds. Someone may compliment me, or ask if I’m okay. That means I’m doing good. Keep going. Number won’t budge. Cut more out of my diet. Work out more than once a day. More cardio. More rules. More ED, less life.
I know I cannot live like that. But it is hard. This is a hard time of year. Everyone is going on a diet. I want to go on a diet. I want to feel “better.” I know I won’t. And I know I can’t and I know it wouldn’t actually make me feel better.
I just want to. But I don’t want to.
It sucks because so many days I plan out my relapse and where I can cut this out or change this up, where nobody would notice, how I could get away with it for awhile, but something in me goes against everything I know and keeps pushing forward. I am a creature of habit, and I have been out of my comfort zone for like, over 200 days and this shit is hard man.
I’m trying. That’s all I can do. Is try. Just be mindful of what you say and who your audience is because most people don’t care about your new year diet.
And if I seem like I care about your diet please know I am a crack head and your diet might as well be a gram of hard.