January 8th, 2020
Today is the first time in a long time that I have been really honest with another human being about where I really am at. Not what I thought someone wanted to hear, not a cookie cutter or sugar coated answer, just the honest truth. It felt bad to say but good to get out. I thought saying it would give it power- but I think what was giving it power was keeping it in and not talking to anyone. Who knows though, I’ll probably change my mind about it in an hour or two because I’m so wishy washy lately it’s driving me completely insane.
I want to relapse. I want to be skinny again. I’m tired of trying to accept this body.
Actions speak louder than words and thank god for that.
I know the farther I get from my ED, the louder it screams. I know that I am somewhere I have never been. It has never been “I want to relapse” it has always just been “relapse.” It has never been “I want to be skinny again” it has always been “I need to lose weight or I’ll punch myself in the face.” It has never been trying to accept a different body it has always been the fear of the unknown keeping me in a place that was always one step away from sick. My actions are to continue to recover. It’s muscle memory at this point. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t feel awful.
It feels very bad. I want to be skinny. Please do not tell me I already am skinny, I literally would rather you punch me in the tit then tell me I already am skinny that is like, the most annoying shit I have ever heard. Because I don’t care about if you think I am skinny or if I am skinny or average or even if I’m kind of obese. It’s literally a feeling. Skinny is a feeling for me. Something I crave. I can’t put my finger on it. But it’s a feeling. Trust me.
Anyway- so I got honest with a friend about this burning desire to relapse. And I thought long and hard and maybe I will relapse maybe it’ll be different this time and I’ll be skinny and happy.
January 9th, 2020
Today is the next day- if you are reading this far into my insanity I want you to know I took a break in an effort to clear my head. But I still don’t feel that much better. I wonder what is wrong with me.
January 14th, 2020
Today is about a week later. I needed to think about this a lot and try to figure out what is so hard for me when it comes to recovery and the need to continue to relapse. Is it really all about body image? Is there anything else that is going on up there in my brain?
I think a lot of it has to do with feelings that I do not want to feel. That I have never felt. That I have continuously pushed away. Until now. Now I am stuck dealing with emotions and ideas that are 8 years old. I’m stuck dealing with all the things my eating disorder numbed out- which is literally anything and everything.
I’m having dreams (nightmares?) about situations and people and places and memories. I’m having anxiety about things I haven’t thought twice about since I was 15 years old. I’m struggling with losses from 2016. I’m trying to deal with anger and resentment that should have been dealt with years ago. And now it all piles up. I feel suffocated. So I want to feel better and the only way I know how is to focus on making myself the smallest.
It all goes away when I’m small. I have no room for anything else in life when I fill my brain with my ED. How can I be sad when I have calories to count? How can I heal and cope with emotional abuse when I have a lunch to exercise off? How can I have a nightmare when I’m already living in one?
My eating disorder makes everything simple, because it blocks out any piece of life I don’t want. But it makes everything complicated because it also blocks out any piece of life I do want.
And I guess now I have to figure that all out for myself. I guess now I have to take care of the pieces of me that I have loved to neglect. I think this part of recovery might be harder than the physical weight gain. It’s like, emotional weight gain and it’s like, a thousand pounds.
I guess I will keep pushing forward. Wish me luck.