Me

For a really long time I shrunk myself.

My voice was quiet and shaky.

And at times it felt like I had no voice at all.

I stayed in my place.

Hiding inside a house that is not my home.

And I learned about the places I would never fit in.

A women’s place.

The place where you wanted to send me to die.

Another box I couldn’t fit in.

Cue shrinking.

And when I get small the voice in my head gets so loud.

So I’m thinking and thinking and your telling me not to.

You’re telling me I’m stupid.

And so then I knew.

I knew my thoughts and my opinions were less.

Unimportant.

Who cares about what I have to say.

Getting yelled at for being “not women enough.”

For always “thinking too much”

Or not thinking enough about what I should be doing.

Not cleaning the house.

Not doing the dishes.

Not washing the curtains.

Who washes curtains?

Working to many hours.

Not enough hours.

Graduating college.

Going back to college.

I was like a hollowed out tree.

Disintegrating.

Dying.

And then one day.

I lit a match.

And I burned down the whole entire forest.

All the trees around me.

I planted seeds.

Nobody came to water me except a passing rain storm and occasional spring showers.

And even though I know that leaving was what I had to do.

It still felt wrong.

Dry heaving in a rite aid parking lot.

But I knew I had to.

If I wanted to keep growing.

Because all you would have done was cut me down.

Or let me die.

And then with time came a voice.

A new voice I had never heard before.

Or maybe I had.

But I just couldn’t remember.

It had been so long.

I am loud.

I have a lot to say.

I don’t wash the curtains and nobody yells.

I say what is on my mind without fear.

Because my mind is like the sky.

Or a river.

Or something else that just keeps going.

I can be smart now without worrying that someone will tell me that I’m fucking stupid.

Without someone telling me to sit down and shut up.

I can be me.

I am unforgivably me.

And maybe that is rough.

And maybe I am jagged.

But at least I can be me.

And if you are hurt

Or offended

Or angry

That I can be me without a leash or a muzzle.

Then maybe you are the one that should sit down.

I am me.

And I have changed

And I have molded

Myself

Into someone else

Too many times

And broken into a million pieces

Too many times

And glued myself back together

Too many times

To do it again.

So

I will stay as I am

Albeit a little rough

And a little jagged

But a lot of me.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s