Watching Storms Pass

I like to watch the lightening brighten up the sky and listen to the thunder and rain rumble in the silence of the night

there is something calming about a storm passing through

Maybe it reminds me of my life and the storms that rage on inside my brain and how they come and go and maybe it gives me hope that this will end

But it hasn’t

What is the opposite of a drought

I don’t think life ever gets easier

And when it does something surely comes and fucks it all up

Just another storm roaring through except lately it feels like a hurricane

I probably sound really dramatic or depressed or both but I really think I’m just a realist

I can’t think back to a time where everything was quiet and calm for more than what seems to be five minutes

I used to think it was unfair

Unfair that I have this eating disorder

Unfair that I have this anxiety

I could go on and on about what I feel is unfair but I’m not throwing a pity party I’ll save that for a later date

It’s not that I have anything against the storms.

I think they are oddly calming. Maybe it’s because I can relate.

Like how everything can be beautiful and then suddenly the sky is dark and the clouds are crying and screaming

But something about the storms reminds me of my mind and I just watch outside the window and think and think and think

I want to cry and scream

I learned this thing in math class in 8th grade and it was about negative and positive numbers and multiplication and it was like bad things happen to good people and that’s bad

And it is bad

And why am I just going to wait for this storm to pass when there will surely be another

Why does life have to hurt sometimes and why can’t everything be explained away with some mathematical equation

what was the point of learning algebra and the scientific method if I can’t use that to solve my fucking problems

And now I am crying because I am sad and I am angry and I am tired

My mind is like a storm and I am going to drown

And I know I sound dramatic and depressed but I am in pain. My chest is tight. I can feel my jaw and shoulders tensed.

I like to watch the lightening brighten up the sky

And maybe next time I will write more about my life and my recovery and how I am feeling great and what I am doing to stay sane during this chaotic time but I probably won’t because I don’t want to be a liar and I don’t want to be a fake

Lately I am sad. I am angry at the world. I have little to no motivation to write anything, let alone some positive bullshit.

Healing is not linear. Healing is not perfect. What a hard pill to swallow.

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